A pension cannot be overlooked as a “side benefit”.  Indeed, they are usually one of the largest assets to be divided in a divorce.  If you are the primary pension holder, make sure that your lawyer is well-versed in pensions in order to protect your retirement money.  Conversely, if you are not the pension holder, you should be well advised to ensure that you are getting an even share.  Even in an amicable divorce, legal language is everything when it comes to a pension.

If any pension is involved in a divorce, it is also wise to retain the services of a valuation expert that is recommended by your family law professional.  These experts are not cheap, but they may actually pay for their own fee many times over if they are successful.  It is important to hire an expert who is experienced with pensions and who is familiar with past and current court cases that involve pensions.  There are some excellent parameters for choosing them in the book referenced in the footnote. (1)

In Ontario, the pension is not transferred until you die, retire, or leave the company.  The value added valuation method extracts the pension value as the amount earned on the pension during the marriage and is more commonly used in more straightforward cases.  There are other methods of valuation, but they are generally used in more complex cases where spouses are trying to argue for higher or lower values.

There are a number of myths surrounding pension valuation, usually perpetrated by “buddies at work” or other sources.  The only sources that you can trust on this matter are properly trained family law professionals and pension valuators.  Listening to untrained advice on pension valuation is like hiring a carpenter to fix your car, only the financial consequences are much higher.

If a pension is “in-pay”, or is being paid out at the time of the divorce, it is subject to equal division as if it were income.  There have been cases where the pension is “double-dipped”, for example assets are divided and the other spouse then sues for a share of the pension after the fact.  This has led to laws in Ontario against double-dipping that are designed to protect the pension holder against such egregious claims.

To get more information on pension valuations in Canada, visit pension.ca and purchase their book which is referenced in the footnote.

Coming in Part 3 – Tax Considerations of Property Valuation at Divorce

1- p. 167, How to Get the Most Out of Your Divorce Financially
By George Edmond Burrows
Edition: revised
Published by Dundurn Press Ltd., 2002

Often the NCP will put forward their friends or family to act as access supervisors. This is not a good arrangement for obvious reasons, even if the custodial parent implicitly trusts the chosen people. If there is a history of violence, either emotional or physical, friends and family may be bullied into allowing further abuse or turning a blind eye.

A professional access supervisor will act as a professional, third-party eye on the situation, and will often also assess the behaviour of the NCP to recommend further supervision. They are very well-trained in all aspects of access supervision, including first aid, conflict resolution, and dealing with high stress situations. They are also chosen for their empathy and ability to place the needs of the child first regardless of any other factors. (1)

Such supervised visits can be stressful on both parents and the child. They are usually only ordered when the court feels that it is absolutely necessary to do so. While the best interests of the child are at the heart of visits with access supervisors, it still is not the ideal situation. A well-trained access supervisor can help your family to navigate this situation seamlessly. (2)

Courts should be sensitive to multicultural situations and ensure that an access supervisor is appointed who speaks the language of the couple being supervised. In a case where another language is involved, negative interactions may be taking place without the knowledge of the access supervisor, leading to inaccuracies in the reports that the access supervisor gives on the interactions between parent and child. To overcome such an obstacle, the access supervisor will often develop a “safe word” system with the child where the child just says a predetermined phrase or word and the access supervisor immediately terminates the visit. (3)

Supervised access usually occurs in public places such as parks, shopping centres and restaurants rather than the NCP home out of consideration for the safety of both the access supervisor and the child. Often it is meant as a temporary measure with an eye towards giving the NCP unsupervised access in the future. Where a court does not feel that such access is possible, often on the advice of the access supervisor, they will terminate access altogether. The access supervisor’s role is not only important as a mediator should violent conflicts arise, but as an observer of parent/child relations that can accurately report back to the court and know when to recommend that the child may visit without supervision.

2- Approaches to Access Enforcement, Department of Justice, Government of Canada
http://www.justice.gc.ca/eng/pi/pad-rpad/rep-rap/2001_8/can3.html

3- Ontario Women’s Network on Custody and Access
Brief to the Federal, Provincial, Territorial Family Law Committee on Custody, Access and Child Support
http://www.owjn.org/custody/brief-e.htm

Watch Online

How to Divorce & Not Wreck the Kids takes viewers inside one of life’s most devastating transitions as three Canadian couples, determined to keep the needs of their children first, work through their separations on camera.

The “divorce from hell” stories grab headlines: couples who spend hundreds of thousands of dollars destroying each other and, incidentally, their children. But in this country, there is another reality. Grassroots Canadians are at the heart of a quiet revolution – couples working on “good” divorces, which acknowledge that the end of a marriage isn’t the end of a family. Because research says: separating parents who co-operate can raise children who are as emotionally healthy as kids from intact families.

As filming begins, the split between Sally and Lionel is still fresh and raw. And cooperating will be a challenge for Sally since she didn’t want the marriage to end. Sally and Lionel were married for 17 years and are parents to three boys, from 11 to 4 years old. They agree to a new and controversial process called Collaborative Divorce, because they believe it will help them focus on what’s best for their children. If only anger and bitterness don’t derail the process.

Roland and Carolye were married for 13 years and have two kids. They transitioned out of their marriage into something of a friendship — but that friendship will be tested as Roland seeks 50-50 custody of their children. Carolye and Roland will try to hammer out an agreement without professional help, using a do-it-yourself divorce kit.

After five years of marriage and three-year-old twins, Mike and Melissa split shortly after Christmas, the busiest time in the divorce world. They’re each passionate about being there for all the important moments in the children’s lives, even though it’s uncomfortable being in the same room together. When they reach an impasse in their separation negotiations, Mike and Melissa turn to a mediator to break the deadlock.

Three courageous Canadian couples invite you to witness the end of their marriages…as they struggle to overcome their anger and fear and stay focused on How to Divorce & Not Wreck the Kids.

How to Divorce & Not Wreck the Kids is produced by Bountiful Films Inc. in association with the Canadian Broadcasting Corporation.

How useful is hiring a public relations expert during a divorce? Extremely useful, according to the people who have hired them. Much of the damning testimony used in court proceedings in the case of uglier divorces has come from friends and family who have discussed the situation with one or both spouses. Hiring a public relations adviser to field all questions is a polite way to deal with people who won’t take “I don’t want to talk about it” for an answer.

Public relations experts are usually contracted by wealthier families during divorce proceedings. Often, demands by the less well-off spouse are ridiculed in the press, as in the case of Hanover’s request for canine support in the amount of $1140.00 per month from Rudy Giuliani. It is up to a public relations expert to show the public how such requests are reasonable. In Hanover’s case, the dog was elderly, meaning high vet bills and the necessity to walk the dog several times a day in New York, where both dog walkers and vets are expensive. (1)

When involved in a divorce proceeding, the media specialist must consult with both the client and the law firm that the client is employing to ensure that everyone is on the same page. It is also important to give the lawyer complete control over the information that the media specialist is allowed to share, rather than the client. The client may actually allow more information to be shared than the lawyer may think is appropriate. Ideally, the media specialist will be directly employed by the lawyer rather than the client in order to reinforce this relationship.

Media specialists usually shepherd writers and journalists through trial proceedings, explaining relationships to the media and making sure that they understand the information correctly. (2) Reporters make mistakes all the time due to a need to go to press quickly and this can reflect very badly on either spouse; it may even further complicate divorce proceedings. Message management is intensely important.

If you are involved in a particularly messy divorce, you may want to ask your legal professional if they think that a media relations expert should be involved. Chances are good that your lawyer already has a relationship with such an individual and will be able to bring them on if they think it is appropriate to do so. Always go with the advice of your lawyer, and do not hire such a professional on your own.

2- p. 32-33
Courting the media: public relations for the accused and the accuser
By Margaret A. Mackenzie
Published by Greenwood Publishing Group, 2007

Antony Dynes states in his book, The Law and Economics of Marriage and Divorce, that “A period of prescribed psychological counseling before a divorce petition can be filed may assist the couple to examine the stresses that have undermined the stability of the marriage”[1].

In addition, Dynes goes on to say that the aggrieved spouse may reexamine their feelings during this time and find them to be transitory rather than settled. While it is not always better to stay together, Dynes believes that counseling can be effective even when the parties involved do not.

Consider the one-time cost of a divorce and the ongoing costs of living separately. This alone makes counseling sessions economically worth the effort. Some insurance plans may even cover a limited amount of sessions. Most counselors will be able to tell you within a short period of time if they believe that you should consider separation or further counseling – they are very experienced in these matters and have a keen eye for relationships that can and can’t work.

It isn’t law in Ontario that couples must seek pre-separation counseling. According to the experts, it is advisable in cases where the spouses can agree to sit down in the same room and talk together about their issues. Some couples counselors even say that a crisis can draw a couple closer together in the long term, as unbelievable as that sounds.

[1]
p. 50, The Law and Economics of Marriage and Divorce, Antony W. Dynes, Cambridge University Press

Simplicity

Some Family Law practices sell kits that allow you to purchase the paperwork needed to file an uncontested divorce, along with guides on how to fill everything out. If you wrote essays for university or have completed major paperwork of any kind, you can fill out the paperwork for an uncontested divorce without any legal assistance.

Egalitarian

An uncontested divorce means exactly what the name states. Both parties agree to everything without dispute. With disputes and emotions come court settlements that are generally not egalitarian at all. If you have the most to lose in a divorce, you should be the first to seek an uncontested settlement. This doesn’t mean you can get away with paying less than you should; the court is unlikely to grant a divorce in the case of child support amounts that are less than recommended by the Canadian Federal Child Support Guidelines. In fact, those who file Joint Applications are more likely to pay more child support and less legal fees (1).

Less Stress on Children

If you can tell your children that you had an uncontested divorce, this greatly reduces their stress levels. The fact that you can agree on finances and custodial arrangements means that you are both solid parents to them, something younger children will benefit greatly from. The cooperation needs to be carried forward into the term of the joint custody; cases decided recently in Ontario courts have sent a strong message that if parents do not cooperate, they will lose joint custody. (2)

There are many other reasons for considering an uncontested divorce that aren’t listed here for the sake of brevity. Remember that there are also situations in which you should not get an uncontested divorce; your lawyer will be forthcoming with you if they believe that yours is one of those situations.

1 – P. 65, Surviving Your Divorce, Michael Cochrane, John Wiley and Sons
2 – P.101-102, Surviving Your Divorce, Michael Cochrane, John Wiley and Sons

Allow yourself to feel anger. An attempt to suppress all emotion will only encourage your anger to flare up at inappropriate moments. The key is to control your anger, not eliminate it. Get together with friends without your children and vent in a safe environment, or talk to your therapist. Expressing your anger in safe, manageable ways allows you to maintain self-control at critical moments.

2. Exercise

Exercise is not only a great stress-reliever, it will help you skirt depression and other negative feelings. Getting your kids to join in with you will help them with the same emotions while giving you a new activity to share together. Do whatever you like best, don’t force yourself to do activities that you don’t enjoy.

3. Move Away From Your Ex

Having your ex around creates confusion for all involved. While it is tempting to try to be an adult about the situation and allow them to stay with you until they can find another place, it isn’t healthy for you emotionally to have them around. If the problem is a financial one, see if one of you can’t arrange to stay with family until separate living spaces can be established.

4. Ignore Outbursts from Your Ex

You may be controlling your anger perfectly, but your ex may not be. Don’t allow their outbursts to encourage the same kind of behaviour from you. If your ex starts behaving in an unseemly fashion, leave the room or hang up the phone with a stern but businesslike notice that you are doing so because their behaviour is not acceptable.

5. Treat Interactions As Business Transactions

Interactions between you and your ex at this time are just that – business transactions. You are dissolving a formal partnership and redistributing the assets. Allowing yourself to adopt the colder language of business will make the process easier and discourage bad behaviour.

When Toronto lawyer Brian Ludmer speaks about the suffering caused by parental alienation, the words come from his head and his heart.

He’s seen the devastation of a mother’s orchestrated campaign to make her children hate their father, or how a dad can use a 4-year-old as a weapon against his mother in the ugly aftermath of divorce.

Ludmer is, by training, a corporate lawyer. But he’s being “swamped” by desperate parents looking for help reconnecting with their children. “Experts in this field will tell you that they’ve never met a lawyer who understands this the way that I do,” says Ludmer.

That’s because he’s also lived it.

“Parental alienation is a plague. It’s rampant out there,” says Ludmer, 48, who declined to talk about his own case for fear of upsetting his children. “This stuff has been going on for a hundred years. It’s just that now it has a name.”

Later this month, Ludmer will address the first international conference on parental alienation in Toronto. He’ll join the growing chorus of parents, judges, lawyers, social workers and mental health professionals who believe the courts are ill-equipped to deal with “toxic” parents.

“Canada seems to be a hotbed of parental alienation court activity,” says Amy Baker, a New York-based researcher who’s written two books, one chronicling the emotional suffering that travels in parental alienation’s wake.

“I think there are some very brave judges who are willing to really think through the implications of alienation and really try to deal with it.

“The bottom line is that to turn a child against a parent is to turn a child against himself.”

Two months ago, a Toronto judge stripped a mother of custody of her three daughters after a decade-long campaign to keep the kids from their father. She was ordered to pick up the tab for a U.S. program aimed at helping the girls, ages 9 to 14, reconnect with their dad.

This week, an 18-year-old from Mississauga asked to be awarded custody of his two younger brothers caught up in a decade of family “warfare.” He also asked that parental alienation experts, such as psychologists Randy Rand and Richard Warshak, be forbidden from further contact with the boys. He called programs, such as their controversial Family Workshop for Alienated Children, “voodoo science.”

But there’s so much concern about the snail’s pace of the overloaded family court system and the lack of treatment facilities in Canada that Ludmer has been working with a group of professionals on plans for Toronto’s first Family Reunification Clinic. They hope to have the facility open within a year, offering treatment based on the work of Rand and Warshak.

“The most important part (of undoing alienation) is the after care,” says Ludmer, who’s handled more than 50 parental alienation cases in the last four years. “We don’t want to be bundling kids on a plane and sending them off to the United States. This will make it easier and less disruptive to get the whole family the help they need.”

The planned centre is sure to set off a storm of controversy among those who consider Warshak and Rand’s work cult-like “deprogramming” and question whether Parental Alienation Syndrome isn’t just an excuse for bad, or even abusive, parents.

“I think the therapy often does way more harm than any so-called parental alienation could do. It demoralizes kids, it makes them feel like they’re not being listened to and involved. It demeans them,” says Joyanna Silberg of the U.S.-based Leadership Council on Child Abuse & Interpersonal Violence, a group of health professionals.

“One of the reasons this is so controversial is because it’s become an industry – a money-making industry – where purveyors of these so-called therapies and evaluation procedures are using things that the scientific community doesn’t automatically accept, but know that judges are accepting in court to affect children’s lives in an extreme way.”

Veteran family court judge Harvey Brownstone sums up the growing debate best: “The jury is still out on the whole issue of parental alienation. When a child adamantly refuses to see a parent, it is not easy to know why. It could be they’re bored, or that they don’t like the parent’s new partner. The situation is usually layered and complex.”

If there is a growing certainty about one thing, it’s that these cases need to be dealt with quickly.

“Time is the enemy of the alienated parent,” says Baker, whose book Breaking the Ties that Bind, chronicles the difficult lives of 40 adults who were alienated as children. Since the books, she’s met hundreds of others, including one who went as far as plastic surgery to wipe out the shame of looking like his father. “These cases should be fast-tracked because alienating parents exploit the ability for the courts to delay things to their benefit. The more time they have with the kid, the more time that kid is going to resist reconciliation.”

Veteran family law lawyer Jeffery Wilson – who was involved in Ontario’s first court case around alienation in 1981 and is representing the Mississauga teen fighting for his brothers – believes it’s time for more drastic measures. It’s been estimated that some 60 per cent of litigants in “high-conflict” divorces suffer from personality disorders that can turn a discussion of “Who gets the kids for Christmas?” into a months-long power struggle marked by what Ludmer calls “bad messaging and bad-mouthing.”

Wilson is calling for a government-funded “High-Conflict Response Team” that could step in before these cases hit the courts. They would have the power to sort out complex disputes, impose binding judgments and get the kids – and their parents – counselling and treatment.

Family Solutions is a North York-based team of well-respected psychologists and social workers who started meeting five years ago to compare notes on difficult cases. Now they offer everything from mediation to intensive counselling in high-conflict divorces. They’ve seen a significant growth in parental alienation and have had some success with clients who’ve worked with Rand and Warshak.

“There’s a lot of work we still need to do,” acknowledges Linda Chodos, a social worker with Family Solutions. “We don’t yet have a lot of evidence-based research that shows what kind of intervention works best.”

Rand and Warshak are based in California and Texas respectively and, in the first phase of their workshop, meet the children and the alienated parent for “educational” sessions that can include simple outings where they start to get reacquainted. (Rand apparently travelled to meet the siblings of the 18-year-old in a Montreal hotel room, but their mother, who claims to have been alienated by the father, gave up a day later when they refused to participate in the four-day session.)

“It’s to give the child a break – a chance to catch his or her breath and to give them just a few days not to be torn between the two parents,” says Ted Horowitz, a veteran social worker with Family Solutions.

The alienator is brought in as part of the second part of the program, all of which is aimed at making them aware of the damage they are doing and the need to form a new partnership around parenting.

“There is no deprogramming and never has been,” says Jacqueline Vanbetlehem, a mental health therapist with Family Solutions. “You have to really look at the circumstances of the family before you even recommend such a program. Sometimes the court intervention is a relief to these children because they don’t have to choose (between parents) anymore.”

Warshak told the Ontario Bar Association’s annual meeting last month that 17 out of 21 children who have completed the “expensive” program have forged good relationships with the other parent that continue more than two years later. The results are currently undergoing peer review.

“One of the misperceptions around this is that it’s meant to shift allegiances from one parent to the other,” says Horowitz. “The idea is to balance the family – to pull them together. Both parents need to be part of the treatment, and the children need to see their parents working together.”

SARAH HAMPSON

1. Audit Your Spending Save receipts from everything that you purchase for two weeks. Separate items out into categories that make sense to you, such as “Lunch” for lunches, “Groceries” for grocery store purchases, and “Personal Items” for items such as clothes and toiletries. See where you are spending the most money and target those categories for cutbacks. Budget the money that you plan to save on these cutbacks for direct use for debt repayment or savings. Generally, you want to limit spending on items like lunches, entertainment, and clothing until your financial situation is more certain.
2. Pay Yourself First When you get your paycheque, pay your bills before doing anything else. If there is any left over, take a small percentage and deposit it into a Tax Free Savings Account before spending the rest on entertainment and personal items.
3. Limit Credit Card Purchases New divorcees, both male and female, have a tendency to go on a spending spree when they split up. This is typically done on a credit line. The last thing that you want to do right now is get into more debt. Even if you are selling off the family home and you expect a big windfall from it, that money is better spent in investments right now than a flight to a beach somewhere. We also tend to spend on credit in anticipation of funds that we are going to get. Nothing is certain during a separation or divorce, so spending money before you get it is not a good strategy at this time. Spend more time with friends instead of indulging in “retail therapy”.

There are a number of things that you can do to save money during a separation. It is important to keep in mind that your financial situation is uncertain until a divorce is finalized and that there is a need to conserve in order to prepare for potentially leaner times ahead.